If I Died Today

Got up earlier than usual this morning, but with coffee in hand, I’m ready for the day. And then I remembered a text I received about 10:00 last night.

It was from a dear friend who wrote to tell me that she has been battling cancer – and it’s coming to an end. She will be in hospice care soon and wanted to say some things to me before she wasn’t able. My heart sank for her as well as for her husband, who is understandably devastated.

I am in the final year of my sixth decade, and fortunately, I’m healthy. That doesn’t stop me from thinking about all my friends at my age dying around me.

If I died today, I would want my wife to know certain things about how I feel and how much she meant to me over the years. Coincidentally, I wrote this in my journal a few days ago:

I died last night.

It is no longer light and no longer dark

I am in a place where I can no longer see you

Or hear you, or feel you, or speak to you

I am at peace… no thoughts… no pain… no worries…

I am no longer afraid of dying

I can no longer talk

To tell you my thoughts and quirky ideas

That run through my wacky brain

To tell you how proud I am of you

That I loved you more each day I existed

I can no longer hear

Your soothing whispers

Or how your day was fantastic

Or very challenging

Your joyous laugh

Your cries in sadness

Or how something inspired you today

Or how you feel about family matters

I can no longer smell

Your hugs

From the oils you rubbed into your neck

Before you went off to work

That lingered with me for hours

The incense you burned while writing in your journal

Your hair when you caress me in bed

I can no longer feel

Your hand in mine as we walk along

The beach or city streets

Your feet as I rub them after a long day

While we watch tv, and talk

Your cold body in bed while snuggling

To get warm, then too hot again

Your face next to mine as we gently kiss

I can no longer travel the world

With you by my side

I hope that I did enough to make good memories

Of our adventures and journeys

Throughout the world

I hope that my love for you showed

Through the happiness that I felt

From you

I hope that I told you enough

That I love you

More than anything

My life with you was precious

I hope they were for you, too,

My love