The Weirdest Sermon I’ve Ever Heard

God and I had a good laugh this morning over coffee. I told him about a sermon I heard the other day from a pastor who believes in Santa Claus!

Yep. Pastor was comparing Santa’s omniscience (knowing everything) with Jesus’. To make his point, he used the song, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town as the backdrop to his sermon.

Pastor first points out that Santa will not give you anything (toys) if you’re naughty, like crying and pouting. He keeps a list of your naughtiness and goodness to see if you qualify for a toy this year. Pastor thought that keeping a list was not something Santa should do.

But isn’t Santa a fictional character – I thought to myself? Pastor kept singing the song in an evil tone, “He sees you when you’re sleeping…” trying to paint Santa as the devil.

If Santa was real, the song would be scary. I don’t believe that parents, the real people purchasing and issuing the toys, would forsake a child that had been a little naughty. Aren’t most kids a bit naughty throughout the year?

The cool thing about Santa is that he forgives you! If you didn’t make the “A” list this year, you get another chance next year! He doesn’t care that you cried or pouted last year. He doesn’t ask you to get on your knees, confess your transgression, and ask for forgiveness. He doesn’t ask anything of you. He erases his list and makes a new one!

But Pastor neglected to mention the good things about Santa, like spending the entire year at the North Pole, where it’s freezing, making toys, and high-fiving elves. Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in Santa, you could spell Satan? I thought that was cool!

He sees you when you are lusting

He knows when you are gay

He knows when you’ve had really wet dreams

So be good or you will pay

Jesus Christ is coming to town

Second cup is coming up! I love this time of the year!